I didn’t start this week intending for it to be Weird Al Week. But if there’s one thing we learned in July 2014, it’s that you never know when Weird Al Week is coming.
Musing upon the singular, almost sui generis oeuvre that is the Compleat Weird Al Yankovic, I found myself thinking about all the lives he’s touched…especially artists like Nirvana and Lady Gaga who found his parodies a badge of honor. Weird Al has given so many people a special feeling, but does he know how that feeling feels?
I mean, yes, the internet exists; thus the likelihood is that someone recorded parodies of Al’s music and sent them to him. I hope that they chose his compositions and not just his satires…no sense in turning “Eat It” into “Cheat It.” And if you’re going to “do” Al as he has done unto others, I really think your first two choices should be the only originals that he put on his first Greatest Hits collection. I think that was Al’s way of saying: I’m a little proud of these, more than “Mr. Frump in the Iron Lung” (another of his many originals).
I’m not going to spend the time that it would take to do proper recordings, because that would turn Weird Al week into my Weird Al month. But I think that playing Al’s originals while reading the following two little, uh, poems is well worth your while. One concerns the much-discussed possibility that Al’s current album will be his last. The other concerns the possibility that Al is distantly related to maybe 2014’s biggest idiot, which is saying something.
Dare to be Yanukovych
(to the tune of “Dare To Be Stupid” by Weird Al Yankovic)
Put down that vodka and listen to me
It’s time for us to run from the fight
It’s time to let Ukrainians grow up to be Russians
It’s time to let red zombies bite
You see, I put all my eggs in two baskets
I voted Europe, then I voted it down
When the people got upset I shot ’em
And then I got the next train out of town
I had to squeeze a new Orange Revolt, last time I lost to a guy who looked
(like he)
Stuck his head in the microwave and got himself a tan
Talk, nice to Putin, don’t
Bite the hand that feeds you, don’t
Bite on more than you chew
What can you do
Dare to be Yanukovych
Take, some wooden rubles
Look, for messed-with goulash
Get, corruption working now
I’ll show you how
You can dare to be Yanukovych
You can turn the other cheek
You can give to the tenth caller
I bribed for, bought and left a mansion worth a hundred million dollars
Dare to be stupid
Come on and dare to be Yanukovych
It’s so easy to do
Dare to be Yanukovych
We’re all waiting for you
Let’s go
It’s time to say Joseph Stalin loved Ukraine
That he didn’t steal trains of grain
That he didn’t starve out 10 million Ukrainians
So what if Kiev says I’m insane?
It’s time to buy the contractors and the electors
Time to drive Ukraine into a ditch
It’s time to make Russian an official language
It’s OK, you can dare to be Yanukovych
You don’t get to $12 billion
With free press, democracy
It’s like I said you gotta buy folks if you wanna make ’em free
Dare to be stupid (yes)
Why don’t you dare to be Yanukovych
Throw your foes in jail
Dare to be stupid
Make your country fail
Dare to be Yanukovych
Get arms from your Russian friends
Then shoot down civilian jets
Big deal, 300 innocents dead
Hey!
You can be, Putin’s lickspittle
You can sit around the Kremlin with Nero’s fiddle
The future’s up to you
So what you gonna do
Dare to be Yanukovych
Viktor Yanukovych
What did I say
Dare to be stupid
Tell me, what did I say
Dare to be Yanukovych
It’s alright
Viktor Yanukovych
We can be stupid all night
Dare to be Yanukovych
Come on, join the crowd
Dare to be Yanukovych
Shout it out loud
Dare to be Yanukovych
I can’t hear Putin!
Dare to be stupid
OK, I can hear him now
Dare to be stupid
Let’s go, Dare to be Yanukovych
Dare to be Yanukovych…
Time With Them And Not You
(to the tune of “One More Minute” by Weird Al Yankovic)
Al, I heard that you’re retirin’ (retirin’)
Gonna leave us far behind (so far behind)
‘Cause you’re sick of these parodies
You decided they’ve worn down your mind (aahh..)
So I pulled (I pulled) some names out (names out) of my Rolodex (oohh..)
And I looked at a picture or two
And I made a list of artists that you used to cover
Just because they’re not worthy of you (dippity dippity doo)
That’s right (that’s right) you’re better than The Offspring
I’m glad (I’m glad) you’re not Men Without Hats
‘Cause I’d rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass
Than spend one more minute with those hacks
I guess I like, well, like, Like a Virgin
Madonna, well, she sings well in thongs
But I’ll take Like a Surgeon, oh yes I like your version
And that’s true of so many songs…
Soul Asylum, Fine Young Cannibals, Survivor
Toni Basil, El DeBarge, and Tiffany too
Oh I’d rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face
Than spend time with them and not you
I’d rather rip out my intestines with a fork
Than watch Gerardo videos instead of yours
I’d rather slam Coolio’s hair in a door (yah)
Again and again and again and again and again
Oh, can’t you see what I’m tryin’ to say, Weird Al…
I’d rather MC Hammer gets sucked by leeches (leeches)
Shove an icepick into Backstreet Boys too
I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue
Than listen to them and not you
Yes, I’d rather see Milli Vanilli on a pile of thumbtacks
Or stick the Knack together with crazy glue
I’d rather throw Tone Loc in a pool filled with double-edged razor blades
Than listen to them and not you
I’d rather rip Billy Ray Cyrus’s heart out of his ribcage with my bare hands
and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it ’till I die
Thannnnn spend time with him…
And not you
