daily show

THE DAILY SHOW: Can anyone here say “Ohhh, ladies and gentlemen, we got a fine one tonight”?

SARAH SILVERMAN: Ohhh, ladies and gentlemen, we got a fine one tonight!”

THE DAILY SHOW: Can we do it with less Oprah? Over there, you?

CHELSEA HANDLER: Ohhh, ladies and gentlemen, we got a fine one tonight.

THE DAILY SHOW: Not quick enough. You over there.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS: Ohhhladiesandgentlemanwegotafineonetonight!

THE DAILY SHOW: Yeah, still not quick enough. Let’s shift gears. Can one of you say, “Can you stick around a little while, we’ll throw the rest of this up on the web?”

PATTON OSWALT: Can you throw up a little while, we’ll stick this to a round web?

THE DAILY SHOW: Hmm. You, over there. Give me a “Now I have read some books in my time, but this…”

JASON JONES: Now I read endless books to make it look like Jon has read…

THE DAILY SHOW: Whoa, who let Grandpa in?

SAMANTHA BEE: We like to let him out of assisted living for an hour each day.

THE DAILY SHOW: You guys are awesome. And Jon already bypassed you when you didn’t get the sub gig in 2013. At this point we’d be promoting losers.

SAMANTHA BEE: I’m gonna destroy you on snapchat.

JASON JONES: Or vine. Or reddit. Or whatever there is.

THE DAILY SHOW: Which part don’t you understand, the buh, or the bye?

AASIF MANDVI: Oh, really original. And you wonder why Colbert wins our Emmys now.

THE DAILY SHOW: Oh no he didn’t. I wonder if someone here can give us an “oh no he didn’t”?

AL MADRIGAL: “Oh no he didn’t!”

THE DAILY SHOW: Yeah, you see, it doesn’t quite have that sheen of white lameness with just a soupcon of righteous outrage.

JESSICA WILLIAMS: Uh, how white and lame do we have to be?

THE DAILY SHOW: Hi Jessica!…here’s the thing, we love you, but…not sure how to say this, but…with Larry Wilmore doing so well at 11:30…

JESSICA WILLIAMS: So, what you’re saying is, if 11:30 will have Wilmore, you won’t have still more color?

THE DAILY SHOW: You said it, not us.

JESSICA WILLIAMS: That’s cool, my ride is outside, I just texted him to come in here and get me.

CHRIS ROCK (enters): Ready to go, Jessica?

THE DAILY SHOW: Chris! Great to see you! You sure you can’t stay for another minute? We’d love to…

CHRIS ROCK: Uh, which part don’t you understand, the buh, or the bye? (Leaves with Jessica Williams.)

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: I guess today’s not the day we find out which one of us is Jimmy Kimmel…

THE DAILY SHOW: Guys! Hi there!!

JORDAN PEELE: …and which is Adam Cirolla. Maybe we should return HBO’s phone calls, what do you think? (The duo leaves.)

THE DAILY SHOW: Goddamn HBO. God, we wish John Oliver were still here.

PIERS MORGAN: If you like, I can sing ‘God Save the Queen’ while prancing…

THE DAILY SHOW: Who in bloody hell let him in? Security! Thank you. Whew! I could really use a laugh right now. Come on, who can do the laugh?

REBEL WILSON: Huh huh huh huh huh.

THE DAILY SHOW: No, more of a breaking. You know, like you’re trying to suppress your laugh while it goes up about three inappropriate octaves. One of you SNL guys, come on.

BECK BENNETT: It’s actually a myth, Lorne Michaels doesn’t like us to…

THE DAILY SHOW: What are you doing here? Leave.

BECK BENNETT: Huh huh huh hee hee hee hee!!

THE DAILY SHOW: Try being on SNL for more than 5 minutes, then we’ll talk. Hey, can someone give us a three-part drip of contempt for Fox News? Extra points for not making us explain what that is.

KRISTEN SCHAAL: You see, what they reallllly do is, taaake something that they already hate, thennnn pull a clip out of context, and fiiinally fold their laundry?

THE DAILY SHOW: Ha! That was good. How many twitter followers do you have?

KRISTEN SCHAAL: The right amount.

THE DAILY SHOW: But what’s your follower to following ratio?

KRISTEN SCHAAL: This sounds like you’re doing a John Hodgman bit.

JOHN HODGMAN: What? I’m much funnier than that.

THE DAILY SHOW: Thanks for coming in, but I don’t think we’re doing this hire in-house.

CHRIS HARDWICK: But you might still do it in-network, right?

THE DAILY SHOW: Uh, no. Can’t anyone do an impression of Senator Mitch McConnell as a turtle?

BRIAN WILLIAMS: Ha-yup. I shorely can.

THE DAILY SHOW: Security! Thank you. Fake news my eye. Can someone pretend they’re Lindsey Graham with a wilting-flower moonlight-and-magnolia thing?

CRAIG KILBORN: Why, I surely can, dahling.

THE DAILY SHOW: Omigod, get him out of here. Ah, whew. Now we know how Alex Trebek feels when he sees Art Fleming. Well, we were going to see if anyone could do a John McCain…


THE DAILY SHOW: …but then we realized that old Frankenstein doesn’t play as well when you actually are an old Frankenstein. Is anyone here under 50?


THE DAILY SHOW: Oh, yeah, sorry the A-list didn’t work out for you guys. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Can anyone pretend they’re from New Jersey and do a really stereotypical Sopranos accent?

ROB CORDDRY: Hey whatareyougonnado? Fuggedaboutit, eh? Goombah!

THE DAILY SHOW: You came crawling back? How bout you time travel in your hot tub to when you had a career? Okay, thanks.

SARAH SILVERMAN: You guys are jerks, you know that? You’re never going to find another Jon Stewart.

THE DAILY SHOW: Don’t we know it.

CHELSEA HANDLER: No, you don’t know it. You have to stop trying to make people into Jon Stewart, and just see who’s left who can be the best host of your show.

THE DAILY SHOW (pauses): Oh God, you’re right, you’re right. We don’t know what we’re gonna do. I mean, everyone here is fine, but no one can quite capture that magic. I guess we’ll just have to…

MR. HANKEY (entering): Hideho!

THE DAILY SHOW: Wait a minute. Who’s that?!

MR. HANKEY: I’m Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo!

THE DAILY SHOW: But you’re…you’re not real.

MR. HANKEY: If I wasn’t real, could I do this? (Bounces around, leaving poo-stains on everyone.)

THE DAILY SHOW (brightening): Wow, I guess you’re right!

MR. HANKEY: If I wasn’t real, could I sing this song? “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Small and brown, he comes from you. Sit on the toilet, here he comes. Squeeze and tween your festive buns.”

THE DAILY SHOW: You know, normally, singing isn’t really our thing, but when it’s this good…(tapping along)

MR. HANKEY: “Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, Christmas leaves, he must leave too.”

THE DAILY SHOW (stomping feet): Awwwwwww.

MR. HANKEY: “Flush him down, but he’s never gone. His smell and his spirit lingers on.”


MR. HANKEY: Hideho!