I love politics, and I love those debate skits that “Saturday Night Live” does to make fun of them. I hate it when the show is on vacation during a big debate. So because I can’t have the real SNL, I’ll just speculate on what they might have done. And while I’m at it, I’ll just dream-cast some of the roles alongside current cast members…
BRET BAIER (played by Jack Black)
Okay, I’ve had months to prepare for this opening moment, so you know it’s going to be good. Is there anyone on stage who is unwilling tonight to not pledge your support to not can’t raise your hand for another candidate, even though this is the only hand-raising question?
ALL THE CANDIDATES EXCEPT TRUMP
DONALD TRUMP (played by Darrell Hammond in his usual bad wig)
I fully understand. I fully understand.
RAND PAUL (played by Robert Downey, Jr. in another bad wig)
He’s already hedging his bets because he’s used to paying for candidates, paying for supporters, paying for hair care products…
(looks down at his notes conspicuously)
Well, I’ve given him plenty of haircut advice.
I mean, he might support Hillary Clinton, he might…
(trails off because of looking down at his notes)
She came to my wedding. She had no choice. I mean, a wedding without Hillary Clinton is like a building without a gold-plated trim, am I right?
CHRIS WALLACE (played by Colin Jost)
Governor Bush, you know people get applause lines when they say “the last thing we need is another Bush”? And not just in front of gay men? I mean, do you realize that your name stands for catastrophic, cataclysmic, craptastic-ness?
JEB BUSH (played by Will Ferrell)
Sure I get that. But listen to this. Down in Florida they call Jeb. No wait, they call me (shifts to awkward Godfather accent) Vito Corleone not so much because I vetoed 25 bills, but because I’m proud of my Dad and all the Sicilians he killed, I’m proud of Michael and all those people he killed during his daughter’s baptism. So if you send me to Washington, you get the articulate leadership you can expect from my family, and I’ll be making the country a refuse you can’t offer.
MEGYN KELLY (played by Vanessa Bayer)
Governor Bush, a few months ago I remember you slipped over whether or not you’d have gone into Iraq like your brother.
I dismember – I remember.
So would you have gone into Iraq?
Knowing what we know now, no, now. But for our veterans, I called every single one that I could find. I texted. I IM’d. I commented on Instagram. And what I told them was, your child or spouse was right to die or get injured for a mistake. And when people get that kind of personal attention, they really respond.
Let’s try something else. Mr. Trump, you denigrate women as pigs.
Only those whores on The View.
For the record, it wasn’t just them. Shouldn’t that bother us?
The country’s got too many problems to worry about tone. I don’t worry about tone, I delegate that to my makeup artist. Now look Kelly, are you politically correct or something? Because I don’t think most Americans have a problem with a candidate who bravely gives out personal phone numbers, calls Mexicans rapists, and tells women like you, Megyn, after all the things you’ve said to me, that you would look good on their knees. I mean you’re not that politically correct, are you?
RAND PAUL (insistent)
This is the kind of thing that I have to keep interrupting to get my own poll numbers up. This is… (looks down at notes)
He don’t hear too good, he has a hearing aid. And I can promise if elected, I’ll make fun of anyone and everyone’s disability or less-than-billion-dollar earnings or anything else that’s slightly off.
SCOTT WALKER (played by Taran Killam)
Well, they call me aggressively normal. That’s why it’s only by the blood of Jesus Christ that I’m redeemed for my sins. And that’s why we can do better than eight years of Obama-Clinton.
Mr. Trump, your business record has gone up and down like a roller coaster in a hurricane. Why do you look at me with that aggressive nodding like I’m begging for a job on the Apprentice?
Scares the crap out of you, doesn’t it?
Mr. Trump, what happens when you run the country the way you ran your casinos that declared for bankruptcy?
This country is gonna take it and like it, have you seen my poll numbers?
What about what you did to Atlantic City six years ago?
Well, that’s Atlantic City, I mean even by New Jersey standards that’s a craphole. Am I right, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie? See he can’t even come at me like Rand Paul, because he doesn’t want to miss the chance to be my Vice President, isn’t that right Chris?
CHRIS CHRISTIE (played by Bobby Moynihan)
Well you should have seen it when I got there! We’re very proud of the work we’ve done in New Jersey. We’ve found ways to keep jobs in New Jersey even if we have to close bridges to do it.
Yeah, I guess you’re real proud of those hugs you gave to President Obama. (Taunting tone) Chris Christie hugged Obama! Chris Christie… (looks down at notes)
Yeah you want to know what hugs I remember? I’ll tell you what hugs I remember. Uh, Mister Trump, if I can still be your Vice-President, I can promise the biggest hug you’ve ever imagined.
Governor Kasich of Ohio, same question.
JOHN KASICH (played by Beck Bennett)
Uh, what question is that?
Well you have no chance of winning, so what about asking Trump for a job?
I don’t know what you’re saying, Megan. Donald Trump has hit a nerve in this country. He has. People are frustrated. So Donald Trump has hit a nerve and I think he’s really important, almost as important as Ohio. Have I mentioned that no Republican has ever won the Presidency without the crucial swing state of Ohio? I think we all need to look inside ourselves (takes off suit to reveal T-shirt that says “POTENTIAL VICE-PRESIDENT”). Look at ourselves up and down and watch our backs. (Turns around: back of T-shirt says “TRUMP-KASICH 2016.”)
Senator Cruz, some people have called you unelectable. What do you say to that?
TED CRUZ (played by Vincent D’Onofrio as though he’s the Kingpin, but with hair)
On Day One of my Presidency, I’m going to chop up the Iran deal and use the shavings as foundation for the new Trump casino in Jerusalem. I’m going to turn Michelle Obama’s vegetables into mulch for my garden of hamburgers. I’m going to melt down Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize into a golden gun that’ll be given immediate citizenship unlike these illegal farm workers.
MIKE HUCKABEE (played by Kevin Spacey in fat suit, in sudden close-up, to camera)
It’s all going perfectly. Give these twits enough rope and watch them hang themselves. These morons love pledges almost as much as they love standing like flaccid turds on a podium and calling it a debate. I’m but a heartbeat away…
Governor Huckabee? Who are you talking to?
We need to promote a culture of life and repeal Obamacare on Day One.
Oh, thanks! Good point. I want to ask about illegal immigration, and Senator Rubio, you look more Latino than Ted Cruz, so what’s the deal with that?
MARCO RUBIO (played by Pete Davidson)
Well first I want to say that the majority of people coming across the border are from Guatemala, El Salvador, Honduras. So this idea that we need to be scared of Mexicans is actually a myth. Now in my next breath I want to tell you that if we build a fence, that scary Mexican gangster El Chapo might just tunnel under it. I think the takeaway here is that Cubans are the bueno Latino, me entiendes?
BEN CARSON (played by Jay Pharoah)
Uh, I’m not sure I’ll get to talk if I don’t jump in here. You guys need me so bad, especially since you sat Carly Fiorina at the kids table. It’s not like those when you take a picture of Republicans in Congress people think it’s an ad for Bennetton, you feel me? I mean if you hadn’t found me which conservative black guy were you gonna get? Bill Cosby?
As I was saying, Hillary can’t lecture me on living paycheck to paycheck. I’ve done that.
I grew up in Kentucky, I mean it’s like living in a coal mine. The light, it’s blinding… (looks down)
Hey I’m here in a T-shirt.
Yeah, you white guys had it tough, I can see that.
On Day One, I’m going to kill Barack Obama’s Portugese water dog. I’m going to use Hillary Clinton’s tears to waterboard whoever’s left at Guantanamo. On Day One I’m going to send the Avengers to lift into the sky the land controlled by ISIS and then let the whole thing crash down to Earth.
MIKE HUCKABEE (to camera)
Can you believe this clown car? It’s like they’re fighting over who’s got the reddest tie. They’ve got no plans, they’ve got anti-plans. They’re not the party of no, they’re the party of no chance. They couldn’t beat Hillary if she tied one hand plus her Muslim assistant behind her back.
Governor Huckabee, who are you talking to?
Ahem. Obama is leading Israel to the door of the ovens.
Well, I’ve been to Auschwitz, so I can say that.
I mean I was near New York on 9/11, so I’ll just say Obama is flying Israel into the World Trade Center.
Mr. Trump, you said you were very pro-choice. You favored an assault weapons ban. You’ve called people on this stage clowns and puppets. When did you become a Republican?
You’re not very good at this, are you Megyn? I mean you’re the only woman here, so maybe you’re trying too hard to play with the boys. I would call you incompetent but that wouldn’t be nice. I got two words for you Megyn: You’re Fired.
Uh, I have a piece of paper here. It says, Mister Trump, that you bet Jeb Bush before the debate that if you used that lame joke, you’d have to do one thing I said.
(Holds up paper to that effect)
Yep, he sure didn’t! I mean he did.
Okay, Megyn, give me your best shot.
Must be a pretty picture, you dropping to your knees.
DONALD TRUMP makes a lot of gesticulations and nodding, and then finally drops to his knees.
Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!