“Hello there, I’m John Q. Hirer. And you must be Ramon Arroz?”
“What? Oh, oh yes, that’s me. That’s me all right. Yep.”
“Whoa, quite a handshake you’ve got there! Well, thanks so much for coming in. Please, sit down.”
“Thanks. Thanks a lot.”
“So, it says here you went to Rutgers University. Impressive.”
“Thank you.”
“Did you…graduate 55th in your class? The wording here…‘selected 55th in my class’?”
“I think you said it well.”
“…Okay. And then you spent six years with TBR, which is…uh…a ‘leading sports-entertainment conglomerate’. You say in February 2013 you helped them win some sort of trophy which represents their field’s highest achievement? And for this you…earned a ring?”
“Yes, sure did. This one.”
“Can I see it more closely?”
“It’s a little…uh, well, I’d rather not. You know, I don’t exactly like to present my hand to another man. A woman is a different story, you know?”
“Uh, okay, Mr. Arroz, we can get back to that. I’m more interested in this…in 2012, they promised you…is this right…$35 million?”
“Right.”
“Well, Mr. Arroz…”
“Ray. Or, uh, Ramon.”
“Well, Ray-uh-Ramon, we can’t pay anywhere near that much.”
“Oh, that’s all right. It’s not as much as it seems. That was promised over five years.”
“Oh, in that case…wait a minute. They promised you $35 million over five years?”
“Right.”
“In 2012?”
“…Right?”
“Well excuse me Ramon, but then what are you doing here?”
“…Things didn’t quite work out as expected. “
“Mr. Arroz, every new employer will ask you why you left your last position.”
“I understand that.”
“Then, can you help me understand?”
“Well, there was a fight.”
“A fight?”
“She was asking for it!”
“She who? Your boss?”
“She’s not my boss!”
“…Okay, Mr. Arroz, I have to say I’m a little lost here.”
“The takeaway here is that my suspension was arbitrary.”
“Your…whoa. In my time I’ve heard a few reasons why an employer and an employee have parted ways, but ‘my suspension was arbitrary’ is a new one.”
“That’s what the judge said!”
“Judge? Did you sue your employer?”
“No! Of course not!”
“What did you mean ‘Judge’?”
“Well, I certainly didn’t sue…TBR. My attorney advised me to, uh, pursue legislation against their parent organization.”
“Oh, deeper pockets?”
“Sir, I can protect the pocket or find any holes you like.”
“…I have no idea what that means.”
“Well, mostly I protect the ball. I create opportunities for advancement. I get us across the goal line.”
“…Uh, Ramon, let’s try another attack.”
“I’m great at that too!”
“Mr. Arroz, what does TBR stand for?”
“…uh, it’s one of those…corporate acronyms. You know, like KFC.”
“You mean, Kentucky Fried Chicken?”
“Or, uh…ESPN. No one knows what that stands for!”
“Well, you got me there. ESP…hey, have I seen you somewhere before?”
“…I doubt it. Look, sir, you don’t have to worry about me suing you. I promise.”
“Mr. Arroz, how do I know I can trust you?”
“Well…do you guys have cameras around your offices?”
“….uh, no.”
“Perfect!”
“I don’t think I get it.”
“If you don’t videotape me, we have nothing to worry about.”
“Mr. Arroz, trust means more than that. For example, I googled you and I came up with nothing. Did you change your name or something?”
“Isn’t that a private matter?”
“Not if you want to work here. I’ll tell you what we can do. Facial recognition software has come a long way in the last few years. Let me just take a picture of you with this phone…”
“NOOOO!”
“Mr. Arroz! You just punched the phone right out of my hand!
“Yeah, uh, I’m sorry about that, uh sometimes I get a little…”
“But the punching motion was just so fluid, so…familiar.”
“…I’m sure there’s plenty of…”
“I know who you are! You’re Adrian Peterson!”
“WHAT? I’m no child-beater! I’m Ray Rice!”
“…”
“…”
“uh, excuse me. Security?”
“Don’t call them, sir. You don’t need them. I need this job.”
“Why can’t you work for the NFL?”
“I mean, I tried, I really tried. But somehow it was never the same after…you know.”
“After you coldcocked Janae Palmer? What a surprise! They didn’t want to continue their association with the poster child for domestic abuse? And why did you think we’d be different?”
“You could be the poster child for second chances.”
“…Penny, where’s that security? What? Still in the elevator?!”
“Did someone say…elevator? ELEVATOR? Still want to see that ring?”
“N-no! Please! Ray Rice, I’ll make you a promise…I’ll wear your jersey to the stadium like those other abuse supporters! I mean like…Ray Rice, please, no!”
