It’s Always Sunni in Saudi Arabia

From: admin1415@thekingdom.sa

This is it, your first email! What do you think?

To: admin1415@thekingdom.sa

Looks good. How do I “cc” someone else?

To: abdullah@thekingdom.sa, admin1416@thekingdom.sa

From: admin1415@thekingdom.sa

You simply add their name in the “to” line as I’ve done with another admin. Your address book should already be populated with a long list of contacts, and you can also enter email addresses manually, but if there’s any problem, let me know!

To: admin1415@thekingdom.sa

Never cc someone again without my permission. Do not try to make me look stupid.

11.11.95

From: admin1415@thekingdom.sa

Crown Prince Abdullah, did you know that the Koran doesn’t really prohibit women from becoming doctors, clerics, or even driving? Perhaps some sort of gradual liberalization would actually serve the long-term interests of the Saudi family?

To: executioner@thekingdom.sa, admin1415@thekingdom.sa

Kill admin1415 and admin1416.

11.18.95

From: admin1417@thekingdom.sa

Dear Crown Prince and New Regent Abdullah,

Your brother Fahd has had a stroke. You are to rule in his name as regent.

To: executioner@thekingdom.sa, admin1417@thekingdom.sa

Kill admin1417.

To: abdullah@thekingdom.sa, executioner@thekingdom.sa, admin1417@thekingdom.sa

From: salman@thekingdom.sa

Dad, it’s true! They really want you to take over at the age of 70. Since it wasn’t a joke, may I rescind the kill order?

To: executioner@thekingdom.sa, admin1417@thekingdom.sa, salman@thekingdom.sa

Nah, kill him anyway.

08.07.98

From: admin1451@thekingdom.sa

Hey, check out what’s on television.

To: admin1451@thekingdom.sa, executioner@thekingdom.sa

How many Allah-damn Abdullahs are there in this country? Anyway I’m sick of these people writing me love notes and not marrying me like my wives do. Executioner, what do you think, shooting or hanging?

From: executioner@thekingdom.sa

Uh, your regent majesty, there WAS some kind of major bombings in Kenya and Tanzania. Maybe hundreds of people are dead? And that Osama Bin Laden is taking credit.

To: executioner@thekingdom.sa

Osama Bin Asshole?! I curse him with the fleas of a thousand camels! He’s just a rich brat who my family indulged way too often. Like he’s fooling anyone with that beard and piousness. I mean, let him eat stale hummus with Afghani savages, but when he tries to get Muslims up in arms about military bases in Saudi Arabia, he’s going WAY too far. When it comes to infidel Americans’ billions of dollars in free military equipment and the strippers that occasionally visit, my comatose brother and I decide how close that stuff gets to Mecca and Medina – nobody else.

Executioner, what have you heard? Is he planning operations here in Arabia?

From: executioner@thekingdom.sa

Not as far as I know.

To: executioner@thekingdom.sa

Haha! LOL! ROFLMAO! You know, just ignore my last email. That two-bit goat-herder couldn’t organize a turtle race, here or anywhere else. I’m just going to stick my head in the…uh, current government operations. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

09.11.01

Uh, George? Geooooooooooooorge? Where are you? You haven’t answered my last 5 emails? Everything okay over there?

Look, I need you to get some of people out of your country, just for a little while. I’ll split their airfare with you. I could even throw you a few 100 million gallons of crude. George, I really need to hear back from you on this one. I never should have allowed people outside the government/mosques to have TVs, but today they keep watching your stupid towers falling and your stupid thousands of people dying, and they keep asking me if it’s going to affect us…

From: president@whitehouse.gov

Listen you ratfuck. This is Vice President Dick Cheney. You’ll be goddamn lucky if we’re not bombing Mecca and Medina back to the 7^th century in about 24 hours. This fucking Usama Bin Laden was right under your nose, am I right? These hijackers were almost all Saudis, am I right? WHAT THE FUCK have you been doing since the Kenya/Tanzania bombings? No, don’t tell me, cause I already know. You’ve been giving tours of your fucking oil fields and machinery to Russia and China. The same oil fields that we, the Americans, discovered and developed with barely any fucking help from you. Let me tell you something, burqa-head. Congress and the American people are about to give us the approval to BOMB WHEREVER THE FUCK WE WANT. You better fucking turn your prayer mat to Mecca and pray that we don’t come to get you and take every drop of your fucking oil back. Or you better make us some kind of fucking incredible offer. Got it?

9.12.11

From: president@whitehouse.gov

Hi, Abdi, it’s George. Sorry about Dick, he can get a little…you know. Anyway, I’m sure we’re gonna need your help to get this Osama and some of the other bad guys, so first tell me what I can do for you?

Oh, George, good to hear from you. I wondered where you were yesterday! Then they told me you were reading some goat literature, and I felt much better, because I do the same thing in times of stress. Anyway, yes, I’m going to forward you a list of names and I need you to fly them out of your country immediately. Is that going to be a problem with your flight ban?

From: president@whitehouse.gov

Oh for you Abdi, no problem. It’s not like you’re going to ask me to send you people that would help us in our investigation of what happened! Anyway, Dick doesn’t seem to care that much about the investigation, I think we’re skipping right to the punishment part. But listen, we’re not gonna bomb you, that would be silly! Our military already has a lot of other plans drawn up, so we’ll just use those. Last question though: why do you think 15 of the 19 hijackers were Saudis?

George, that’s a vicious smear. I don’t even know that they were Saudis. Osama bin Laden wasn’t working here. I mean, think about it, if that’s a lie, who does it help and who does it hurt? They must want us to look bad.

To: security@thekingdom.sa

You people are imshallah idiots. Do you not realize that 15 of the 19 hijackers were Saudis? Osama bin Laden is operating right under our nose. Find him, find his associates, kill him, kill them. Hurry up. There is no way we are going to compromise our right to have US air bases and Tomahawk jets and Playboy bunnies wherever we want. So get on that, or get dead.

09.12.02

Hi George, sorry it’s taken me a while to get back to you. What a year since those towers went up in flames, eh? Hey, speaking of fire, did you know in my country we have religious police – I mean, literally, they wear uniforms and have police authority – who beat up girls for trying to escape a fire because they weren’t wearing their abayas? I mean 15 girls died in this fire who didn’t need to! What a country, right?

This is a long way of saying…you don’t want to use my country for your air bases to attack Iraq. And, uh, you can’t. I know, I know, I let your dad do it for the last war, but times change. You’re still getting your “Good Customer Discount” on all our crude oil, so that’s pretty cool. Now if you want to attack Iran, we can talk. Until then, what’s the American phrase?…“have fun storming the castle!”

3.20.11

To: kechichian@kingfaisal.edu

Dear Mr. Kechichian,

What a long list of questions! I appreciate you trying to learn about me. Let me answer in turn:

That was weird, right? George Bush just grabbed my hand, what was I supposed to do, turn him down? He’s such an innocent puppy, sometimes you just have to let him lick your hand rather than make a big deal out of it.
You asked about my conference of tolerance with all those world religious leaders in 2008. I’m very proud of it. And we had it in Madrid because you can’t have infidels in Saudi Arabia.
Yes, I do consider myself something of an ascetic. You know, when my Dad used to fly to New York for routine medical procedures, he’d rent a block of hotels and bring a fleet of jumbo jets. When I meet with my New York doctors, I merely block-book one luxury hotel and bring no more than four jets (one for each wife, of course). I mean, I’m practically living hand-to-mouth!
I loved my brother, but as you said, after his 2005 death, I decided to loosen up things a little. Invest in clean energy and new universities where men and women study side by side. Start grants for them to do likewise abroad. Pardon the one girl who was raped that one time. Pardon those 3 academics who want a Western constitution. Allow women to work in supermarkets! Very proud of that. Spend a little time with my wives. They’re okay, you know? And Saudi Arabia’s first municipal elections! Come on, amiright?
Oh, right, I guess I *did* once promise that women would vote in the 2009 municipal elections. Well, you see, the country wasn’t ready, so I pushed that to September 2011.
Oh, right, my Ministry of Municipal and Rural Affairs just announced that we’d have to put off including women indefinitely “because of the kingdom’s social customs.” Well, can’t blame a guy for trying! I don’t see Obama closing Guantanamo!
What are our tanks doing in Bahrain? Short answer: whatever they feel like! Now, I already told Obama that all this democracy talk is dangerous. Arab Spring my fat ass. More like Arab Unthinking. Clever, right, see how that rhymes? Anyway, we’ve had all these tanks around forever, and I’ve been waiting for an excuse to use them, so this is kinda awesome. The last thing we need on the Arabian peninsula is a Shiite uprising. I mean, wasn’t it Danny DeVito who said It’s Always Sunni in Saudi Arabia? I might have said “Wahabbi Sunni,” but his basic point was right. Share and Sharia law alike.

01.01.15

To: salman@thekingdom.sa