Headquarters, where Riley’s five emotions live and work. Night, and four of them are asleep. The fifth is at the control panel.
FEAR (Bill Hader)
Just another night of boring dream duty…ho-hum…hey, that looks familiar.
(We see the dream: rainy LA streets, oddly photorealistic humans for a cartoon. And then, incongruously, a train powering through them…)
FEAR
Disgust? Disgust? Wake up.
DISGUST (Mindy Kaling, sleeping)
Omigod, Fear, what is it this time?
FEAR
There’s a train in Riley’s dream that shouldn’t be there. You know, the train of thought that we see outside our window?
DISGUST (sleepy)
She’s dreaming about a train? Who cares? You wake me up for this? Go back to dream duty.
FEAR (returns to big screen)
Where’s the…train? It was right there. Where’s her whole dream? Oh no no no no no no…
(walks over to window overlooking larger subconscious world, including islands of family, hockey, etc)
That train isn’t supposed to run at night! And it’s certainly not supposed to get this close…
(SOUND OF SHATTERING GLASS as one of the big windows shatters. But it’s not the train, as Fear initially thought. It’s a bunch of very human-looking people repelling into Headquarters through a long rope.)
YUSUF (Dileep Rao)
Okay, that is the last time I jump off a train with you people.
ARIADNE (Ellen Page)
You’re complaining? It worked.
COBB (Leonardo DiCaprio)
Nice work, Ariadne.
JOY (Amy Poehler, entering)
How did you guys crack the glass from a distance? I really could have used that.
ANGER (Lewis Black)
Hey this is an outrage! Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t do sequels!
DISGUST (also entering)
Are you guys kidding? What are you people doing here? We’re deep within someone’s consciousness, you can’t just…
ARTHUR (Joseph Gordon-Levitt)
Take someone else’s ideas? Yeah, I think you can.
COBB (looking around)
We’re not deep enough. We can’t do inception here. This isn’t going to work.
SADNESS (Phyllis Smith)
Oh, this is all my fault.
ANGER
Sadness you can’t blame yourself!
DISGUST
That’s right, it’s these people’s fault.
ANGER
No, we should blame Joy. (to her) Joy, ever since you went down to that Memory Dump, nothing’s ever been the same around here…
(COBB and ARIADNE share a look.)
COBB
We have to go down there.
ARIADNE
We?
COBB (at window, looking down)
I can’t build the dream without you.
YUSUF
They have glowing bowling balls here? Cooooool.
JOY
Uh excuse me good-looking, dangerous stranger, you can’t just go down there. You’ll never get back.
COBB (repurposing rope they came in on)
You people have the Starship Enterprise here, but not a piece of rope?
(ties rope to fixture, preparing to descend)
FEAR (to Yusuf)
Excuse me, you can’t use those for bowling.
YUSUF (head-fakes, conjuring bowling pins)
I’ll tell you a secret, the reality rules around here are pretty flexible.
JOY
You don’t understand. It’s scary in the Memory Dump. My name is Joy, and that place made me cry.
COBB
We’ll take a guide.
(grabs her, jumps out the window)
DISGUST
Joy! Nooo.
ANGER
Hey! You can’t take her!
FEAR
We’re dead. We’re all dead.
ARIADNE
She’ll be fine. I’ll make sure.
(jumps out the window after them)
SADNESS
We can’t just let Joy go. One of us has to help her.
ANGER
Don’t you look at me!
FEAR
Ahhhhhhh!
DISGUST
Ewwwww!
SADNESS
Oh fine, I’ll go.
(she slowly makes her way down the rope to the Memory Dump far below)
DISGUST
What do you people want anyway?
Yusuf and Anger bowl together in the background.
ARTHUR
Yeah, Cobb’s not always great with the explanations. Riley’s his daughter, but she doesn’t know it. Cobb has to plant the idea to the point where she thinks she thought of it – that’s called inception.
DISGUST
That makes no sense.
ARTHUR
You see, inception is a complicated…
DISGUST
No, I mean Riley isn’t that guy’s daughter!
ARTHUR
Look, do you want me to go over the elaborate plot shenanigans, or should we just roll with it, considering that you and I both pretty much swim through plot holes for a living?
DISGUST
If you want to plant an idea in Riley’s head, we have light bulbs for that.
ARTHUR
Really? Wish I knew that before Cobb and Ariadne left.
FEAR (from control panel)
We have a much bigger problem! The last time Joy and Sadness left Headquarters, all of Riley’s personality islands crumbled!
ARTHUR
Really? Let me see this thing. Is this where the light bulbs go?
FEAR
Yeah, but we’re gonna need your friend.
ARTHUR
Yusuf!
ANGER
Oh come on I just have to hit one spare!
YUSUF (approaching)
Oh yeah, I’ve heard of these control panels. Would make my life a lot easier…
(FEAR sneaks up behind ARTHUR and YUSUF and ties them up.)
ANGER
Fear, I’m impressed!
FEAR
Thank you!
DISGUST
Where did you get the rope?
(FEAR gestures toward the open window.)
CUT TO: Memory Dump
SADNESS falling down into the abyss. She lands amongst the black bowling balls; she’s bruised but fine. She sees Joy, Cobb and Ariadne.
COBB
Ariadne, come on! My daughter needs to believe I’m her dad!
ARIADNE
Do you want it done fast, or right?
(The sound of a lot of tumbling bowling balls, as a large pile partly crumbles. From behind what’s left of the pile comes Mal.)
MAL (Marion Cotillard, nervous)
Dom, I didn’t think you were coming back.
COBB
Well of course I came…wait a minute. Why are you acting so weird?
MAL
I’m not acting weird. You’re acting weird.
(Rattling noises from the pile of bowling balls.)
COBB
Are you seeing someone else down here?
MAL
What are you talking about, Dom?
BING BONG (Richard Kind, blobular, emerging)
I’m not ashamed. We’ve been left here forever. And I mean forever.
MAL
Deal with it, Dom.
COBB
No, this can’t be. With an imaginary friend?
SADNESS (approaching)
They’re not real. Just both close your eyes, and when you open them, they’ll be gone.
(COBB and JOY try to do this. They both open their eyes, and see Mal and Bing Bong kissing.)
JOY
Ugh, I can’t unsee this.
COBB
This can only traumatize Riley.
CUT TO: Headquarters.
(Yusuf and Arthur are tied to a pole.)
FEAR
Didn’t they have someone else with them?
ANGER
You would say that.
(SADNESS re-appears.)
DISGUST
Sadness! You’re okay!
SADNESS
They’re just going to be another minute.
FEAR
Oh, I was afraid I’d killed you!
SADNESS
Do you want me to teach you three how to drive the control panel so that you don’t break Riley’s islands?
DISGUST
Yes!
SADNESS
Fear, Anger? Come here, I don’t want to explain this twice.
(FEAR, ANGER, and DISGUST gather at the controls. SADNESS slips away, and in a moment she’s back with the rope, tying/binding them all together.)
FEAR
NOOO!
ANGER
Hey what the deuce is this!!
(SADNESS morphs into EAMES. ARTHUR and YUSUF are free as well.)
EAMES (Tom Hardy)
Yeah, shame about that. Now where’s the right light bulb so we can get out of here?
DISGUST
We’re not telling you anything!
FEAR
Do we know anything?
ANGER
I hate being a supporting character in a story that doesn’t make sense!!!
YUSUF
Eh, you get used to it after a while.
EAMES
Ooh, Arthur, it’s not that light bulb, that’ll turn her brain into scrambled eggs, it’s the “Eternal Sunshine” bulb.
ARTHUR
Ah, good point. We certainly don’t need Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet here stealing our screen time.
EAMES
Or reminding us that Charlie Kaufman had this idea before us or Pixar.
CUT TO: Memory Dump
ARIADNE
Okay, Cobb, it’s ready – where are you?
SADNESS
They left. (sobs)
ARIADNE
That doesn’t make any sense. Why are you crying?
SADNESS
Just…you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, and I know you’re leaving soon, and I know you could never like me anyway…
ARIADNE
Now hold on, that’s not true. I think you’re actually kind of amazing.
SADNESS
Really?
ARIADNE
I watched the movie, I kind of fell in love with you.
SADNESS
You’re not joking?
ARIADNE
Eames this isn’t you is it?
SADNESS
Huh?
ARIADNE
Let me just check your real height…
(ARIADNE touches SADNESS’s shoulders)
SADNESS
Oh, it feels so good to be touched. Joy told me that when she came down here, she felt sadness for the first time. And now, I feel…I feel…
(They look into each other’s eyes and…)
CUT TO: Memory Dump – elsewhere
COBB
They’re gone now. They’re gone.
(spins his totem)
JOY
What is that?
COBB
It’s my totem. That way I know if this is real or a dream.
JOY
Oh yeah, I have one of those.
(withdraws Mickey-Mouse keychain)
COBB
That’s your totem?
JOY
Yeah, depending on how it lands, Pixar is better than Disney. After Frozen, it’s a lot more up in the air lately.
COBB
I mean, it’s a little childish, isn’t it?
JOY
You mean you don’t do sequels or kids movies? (beat) Well, I guess you’re quite the bad boy aren’t you?
COBB
…
JOY
Excuse me, I guess I’m not used to adult men. When I think of how I’ve had to settle for Fear and Anger for 13 years…
COBB
What does that mean?
JOY
You know why Mal keeps coming back don’t you?
COBB
Because I don’t have my daughter. That’s what we’re doing here.
JOY
Even if you get your daughter, you’re still going to have the same problems. You are going to still be you, unless you change.
COBB
How am I supposed to…?
JOY
You need to feel joy.
COBB
How am I supposed to do that?
(Joy puts Cobb’s hands on her shoulders. They start to kiss. Joy spins her Mickey Mouse totem…)
END