I think we can all agree with President Barack Obama and half of New York that Lin-Manuel Miranda’s “Hamilton” is the sensation of the season. As I watched the curtain come down at the Richard Rodgers Theater last month, one of my thoughts was: “Noooo, I don’t want it to be over.” And then I thought…isn’t hip-hop all about the appropriation and remixing? I would like to dedicate this rhyme to everything I learned from Phife Dawg of A Tribe Called Quest. Without further ado, in hipambic pentameter, here’s my suggested “outtake,” to be sung/rapped as a duet of Thomas Jefferson (in red) and Sally Hemings (in blue) —
“They’re Not Ready/They’re Ready, or The Election of 1804”
So Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton
And I was worried how I’d handle them
Rest his soul, A Ham’s gone, A Burr’s a disgrace
Why even bother with this presidential race?
The scandal’s yours, Burr’s your vice-president
I hate him, a truth that’s held self-evident
What happened to departing for Monticello?
The capital just started, I just said hello
Folks must learn the virtues of less government
From you? Thomas, you’ve hardly under-spent
On Barbary wars and the land you bought from France
(In) my second term belts will tighten on our pants
It’s time to prove the ethics of Republicans
Right now it looks like ethics are “because you can”
Those midnight judges you blocked? Oh that again?
Well not again, thanks Marbury versus Madison
Our dollar’s weak while England and France collect their forces
Americans are scared, this is no time to change horses
It’s a young country, Sally, you know that times are heady
They’re ready/They’re not ready/They’re ready/They’re not ready
They don’t understand the tariffs we levee
They’re ready/They’re not ready/They’re ready/They’re not ready
Look at the papers, their grievances are petty
They’re ready/They’re not ready/They’re ready/They’re not ready
If you must run again you could outlaw the trade (Sally…)
Of humans; never import another slave
They’re not ready. WHAT? I mean the Senate
And the House love slavery and won’t end it
But you’re ready? Yes. Tom, you got some strange notions
You send Yankee soldiers across the oceans
And then Lewis and Clark across the nation
To civilize what was already civilization
The only reason Napoleon sold half the continent
Was after Haiti’s slave revolt, his troops were dead and spent
Toussaint Louverture, inspired by you, became a hero
How many black Haitians got your invitations? Zero
You should know brown people know more of life, not less
You have four yourself. (beat) Sally, I’m impressed.
So were our merchants, so I sent troops to Tripoli
And Lewis west after his long year studying with me
Education for our nation, you forgot my best point
I established military scholarship at West Point
Haiti’s a mess, where’s a library or university?
Brown-skins like our kids study up, then converse with me
It wasn’t my skin, but my school books that bred me
They’re ready/They’re not ready/They’re ready/They’re not ready
Hard to read when your back’s all sweaty
They’re ready/They’re not ready/They’re ready/They’re not ready
Indians and Arabs need lessons that are heavy
They’re ready/They’re not ready/They’re ready/They’re not ready
Okay, Mister French Enlightenment Erudition
Just remember not everyone can afford the tuition
And if the Congress and your Cabinet are so smart
Why, behind my back, do they still call me your tart?
Or a concubine? Tom with your power you could summon
Them to read the Vindication of the Rights of Woman
(She pulls out a book with Mary Wollstonecraft’s name on the cover.)
Give us the vote and we’ll give you a different oversight
Sally! I can’t change Congress overnight
If you insist on running one more time – look at me Thomas –
I insist that you make me a quite makeable promise
Ban the slave trade. Sally! Tom, twas only four years past
That Congress passed a law against trade investment, at last
And against our citizens serving on slaver ships
That’s a lot! And now all we need is leadership
(She hands him a sheaf of papers, the top clearly labeled “The Abolition of the Slave Trade.”)
Ban the slave trade. Sally, listen, if we end the trade
Plantation owners will whip their slaves until they’ve made
More children, then before you know what for
North and South resentment could lead to civil war
Ban the slave trade. Our democracy’s so fragile
Give us more years, I know by then we’ll be more agile
Ban the slave trade. For our children. I know they’re ready
But Congress and our people only just learned to rock steady
Ban the slave trade. Sally I see where you’ve led me!
They’re ready/They’re not ready/They’re ready/They’re not ready
And if I don’t, will history regret me?
They’re ready/They’re not ready/They’re ready/They’re not ready
Oh heaven I don’t believe in will you help me?
They’re ready/They’re not ready/They’re ready/They’re not ready
(together) THEY’RE READY!!!
