“The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.” – Woody Allen
“Libby, we’ve been dating for two months now.”
“It’s no exaggeration to say that they’ve been two of the most astonishing months of my life.”
“Right, well, two months is when I usually start noticing flaws. And I’m gonna need you to change a little bit.”
“You want…me to change? Then why did you want to be with me in the first place?”
“I guess every New York kid wonders what you’d be like. And I like your firmness, you know? Might make good material for a wall with Mexico.”
“Okay…”
“But your face never moves.”
“I thought you liked women who had had so much plastic surgery that…”
“I thought so too, but this is too much. I liked your face at first, but now I don’t know, the strong nose reminds me too much of Meryl Streep.”
“Uh…”
“Plus, you’re too big and green. There’s a reason no one in comics wants to date the She-Hulk.”
“I’m not sure that’s true…”
“Also, you’re always in New York, and the Fake News keeps saying that it costs extra to have you in New York.”
“I don’t think they’re…”
“But I could forgive all that, if it wasn’t for your terrible attitude on immigration. I mean, I told you to get rid of that tattoo of yours.”
“You mean this one?”
“Yeah that’s right. You may as well have a welcome mat that says ‘Come In, Losers.’
“So you want me to just rub it out?”
“Well, if you don’t want to leave a blank space there, I got other ideas.”
“I really don’t want to know…”
“Give me your hot chicks, your masters yearning for free tax shelters, your rich-ass high-rollers of your whiter shores. Don’t send any homeless, terror-tossed to me, I shit my pants beside their golden showers!”
“You don’t even want Russians?”
“No, YOU’RE the one who wants Russians. I’ve seen photos of you with Russians.”
“It just seems like you could be a little more Christian…”
“No you’re the one who isn’t Christian. What’s in your hand? It’s not a Bible!”
“It’s a tablet…”
“Oh, can I see it? I want to see how many ‘likes’ I got for my latest tweet.”
“No, it’s a tablet that commemorates the Declaration of Independence.”
“You’ve had years, what have you done for independents? Nothing. Only I care about independents. Believe me.”
“Is that why you keep flip-flopping your positions on, I don’t know, unemployment, Obamacare, voter fraud, military service, the media, ISIS, NATO…”
“You’re the one wearing flip-flops. Did you know about my margin of victory? Unpresidented.”
“Then there’s your thing about size exaggeration. Hillary won by three million votes…”
“I’m talking about the Electoral College.”
“But you didn’t actually set records in the Electoral College…”
“At least I went to college. Believe me.”
“Donald, I didn’t want to believe my friends, but they told me you were doing this thing to me…”
“Telling you how it is?”
“…when you tell me to disbelieve all of my senses. They call it ‘gaslighting’ me.”
“No, YOU’RE the one who’s gaslighting me. Look at your torch from the 19th century. Pure gaslight. Personally, I never carry a torch for more than a few months.”
“It’s like we don’t see the same things. I saw the towers fall on September 11, and then I saw you claiming to have lost friends while you failed to attend a single funeral…”
“No, what you saw was hundreds of Muslims cheering.”
“I really don’t think I did.”
“Sometimes I think you must be…hey, you just gave me a great idea. Do you happen to have the phone number for that woman who holds up the scales of justice?”
“The blind one?”
“Now that I’ve put on a couple of pounds, a blind girl might be just the thing. I could tip her scales, believe me.”
“I believe you. In fact, some people are saying you already have.”