gop 2nd debate

After the last (and first) Republican debate for the 2016 Presidency, I lamented the usual summer hiatus of “Saturday Night Live”, suggested how they might have reacted to it, and got a lot of positive feedback. Well, another debate has come and gone, and “SNL” is still on hiatus. I guess I just can’t wait until the real show does something like this when Tracy Morgan returns to host the season premiere on October 3rd. How lucky for them to have all of my terrific suggestions!

JAKE TAPPER

Good evening. Let’s meet the candidates and awkwardly not know if we’re supposed to applaud. Jew-fro?

RAND PAUL

(slipping off edge of stage)

Hello, I’m Rand Paul and let’s all agree that my placement on the edge of the stage doesn’t mean I’m being marginalized. I’m an eye surgeon…

MIKE HUCKABEE

(to camera, like in House of Cards)

Of course you remember last debate where it seemed like I was gonna ding Trump but then I hit Hillary at the last minute? Now check this out.

(to audience)

We’re an A-Team with our very own Mr. T.

(to camera)

While we’re waiting for my reveal, let’s see if the camera catches Ben Carson cringing. Okay now here I come.

(to audience)

Ours isn’t afraid to say “you’re a fool.”

DONALD TRUMP smiles.

RAND PAUL

Wasn’t it B.A. and didn’t he say “I pity the fool”?

MIKE HUCKABEE

I love it when a plan comes together.

MARCO RUBIO

I’m Marco Rubio and this seems like a good time to squeeze in a reference to California’s drought. Check out me squeezing this bottle, that I brought on the plane, unlike you guys. Bottle of water, get it? I mean that’s like Kanye starting a new speech with “I’m a let you finish.” No? Anyone?

TED CRUZ

My name is Ted Cruz. Should Hillary Clinton win the Presidency, the three-headed hounds will break free their chains and unleash upon this earth a hellscape that will make Michelangelo’s Last Judgment look like a Norman Rockwell painting. The rivers shall run red with blood and the smell of fire-burnt flesh shall permeate the hills and valleys until…

BEN CARSON

Hi, I’m Ben Carson, retired pediatric surgeon and I mention pediatric because that last speech really makes me wonder about our kids’ future. Also I really want to welcome Carly Fiorina to this Weiss-wurst-festival. See a Weiss-wurst is a white sausage, so, uh…

DONALD TRUMP

Having had a month to prepare this statement, I say not in a bragexpialadocious way that I’ve made something like billions of dollars and I want to put all this obvious talent to work so that we have great trade deals, great riches, great military, great veterans care, great health care, and we can make America…uh, great and have a, um, great life altogether. Hey, who wants my name on this plane?

(Applause.)

JEB BUSH

I’m Jeb Bush, and America is on the verge of its greatest century, but not with a guy who says “great.” Instead I’m ready to lead, I’m my own man, and of course we’re going to have people from my father’s and brother’s administrations, I mean it’s not like I can hire non-Republicans, and I look forward to reviving the Bush name, I mean helping Americans.

SCOTT WALKER

I’m Scott Walker, and I can’t believe I’m not doing better. I’ve got all the Koch brothers cash, I’ve taken on the Washington-based special interests, I’ve busted all these unions, I’ve been going on and on about my faith, I mean would it help if I kissed Nancy Reagan’s butt? What do I have to do to get out of single digits here?

CARLY FIORINA

(after a long pause)

(very deliberately)

I’m Carly Fiorina. Under this administration we’ve had inept leadership, a nonchalant Congress, an uncouth Vice President and disgruntled allies. Under my administration we’ll be ept, chalant, couth, and gruntled. Thank you.

(Applause.)

JOHN KASICH

I’m John Kasich, governor of Ohio, and I don’t think Americans want to watch us fight. Let’s cut to the chase: whichever party wins Ohio and Florida is winning the Presidency. Call it the LeBron James election. So this is really just an extended audition for me and the two Spanish-speakers over there. That means before you pick any fights with me, you better think about your Plan B for getting Ohio without my blessing. It’s not as easy to draft LeBron as you might think.

CHRIS CHRISTIE

Can you take the camera off me and put it on the audience? People do not want to look at me. They need to think about the 55-year-old construction worker who doesn’t care about Trump or Fiorina’s records. Everyone think long and hard about that construction worker. Now I look pretty good don’t I?

JAKE TAPPER

Tonight, we want a debate. We want name-calling. We want hissy-fitting. There’s an old saying that it takes two to make an argument. But tonight I will prove it takes twelve. I mean, uh, one. Now what kind of fights can I start around here? Well, kids are watching for just this minute, so let’s not say anything irresponsible…hey Ms. Fiorina, what happens if Donald Trump has his hands on nuclear weapons?

CARLY FIORINA

That’s for the voters to decide. I think he’s very entertaining.

JAKE TAPPER

Okay, now it’s very logical to ask Mr. Trump?

DONALD TRUMP

First of all Rand Paul shouldn’t be here, he’s like a pile of horse poop with a footprint in it. As for the question, why would you think I’d bully anyone? Now, if you’d seen some of the buildings I’ve unloaded you’d know that I have plenty of experience dealing with catastrophic monstrosities that can ruin a city, so what’s the problem?

MARCO RUBIO

The problem is we don’t need a candidate who’ll be ready six months from now, or a year from now. We need one that’ll be ready sixteen months from now.

SCOTT WALKER

On Day One I’ll rip up that Iran deal like I rip up Wisconsin cheese.

JEB BUSH

Ripping up a deal isn’t strategy. It’s strategery. Thank you, thank you.

JAKE TAPPER

This is getting too substantive. Senator Paul, Donald Trump made a swipe at you, care to swipe back?

RAND PAUL

Well, Donald Trump is funny, but do we need that kind of sophomoric taunting in the…

DONALD TRUMP

(interrupting)

I never made fun of your appearance despite plenty of subject matter there…

RAND PAUL

Do we need that kind of junior high-level…

DONALD TRUMP

Jew-fro! Jew-fro!

RAND PAUL

Muskrat hair! Muskrat hair!

SCOTT WALKER

Wait a minute, I’ve got a pre-planned line I haven’t used. Mr. Trump, we don’t need an apprentice in the White House, we’ve got one now. Nailed it!

JEB BUSH

Mr. Trump has crossed the line, and I want him to apologize to my wife.

DONALD TRUMP

Not gonna happen.

JAKE TAPPER

What about you, Carly? He made fun of your face, are you just going to sit there and take it?

CARLY FIORINA

Jake, every woman in America heard what he said, and now they’re hearing you trying to get me to become some shrill harpy.

(camera catches John Kasich shifting awkwardly)

CHRIS CHRISTIE

I’ll be happy to take the bait! After 9/11 every time a plane went overhead people jerked their heads. So when it comes to managing large powerful objects that may surprise people, I don’t see who on this stage has more experience than me.

JAKE TAPPER

When I decided to make this debate 3 hours I wondered how you guys would handle life off your meds. Now anyone else notice Governor Kasich shaking like a leaf in the wind? Mister Trump that seems like the kind of thing you’d make fun of, right?

DONALD TRUMP

It’s not important that I know the names of everyone on this stage or the world leaders. What’s important is that I surround myself with a great team. And being here has certainly taught me what not to do.

CARLY FIORINA

We’re making jokes while people are dying. Not only people, but unborn fetuses. We need every American to watch that video.

TED CRUZ

They need to watch as the flesh of embryos is torn asunder layer by layer. They need to watch as the gates of hell are flung open wide and a hundred thousand howling hellions enter our world to seek their deadly revenge. Should I win, I mean, uh, if Hillary wins…

BEN CARSON

I just realized why I’m rising in the polls, it really doesn’t take a lot to look less crazy than this crowd, does it? Now let’s get back to limited government. The way this country grows is not taking a billion away from a job-creator, but helping him to make two billion the next year.

JEB BUSH

That’s why I’ve released my detailed tax plan which will…

MIKE HUCKABEE

(to camera as Bush continues)

I can see Jake Tapper falling asleep. My moment has arrived. Let me tell you, I’ve got a Gronkowski body under this suit.

(to Jake Tapper)

Hey Jake, what about a chicken-fight?

JAKE TAPPER

(perking up)

Great idea! Everyone get on someone’s shoulders and start slapping the duo next to you.

DONALD TRUMP

(as he gets on Cruz’s shoulders)

Well, I’m a very militaristic person.

SCOTT WALKER

(to JEB BUSH)

Come on, you’re taller!

JEB BUSH

That’s what George said, and look what happened when I let him go first.

(Bush climbs on Walker, Paul climbs on Huckabee, Carson climbs on Rubio, Christie climbs on Kasich, Trump is on Cruz. Slap-fighting commences.)

RAND PAUL

Hey, Jeb, can you think of any other way we can get high?

JEB BUSH

Come on, Rand, I’m EverReady! High-energy!

CARLY FIORINA

(to Jake Tapper)

You don’t see how this is a little undignified?

JAKE TAPPER

Why?

(Kasich collapses and Christie rolls.)

CARLY FIORINA

Live from New York it’s Saturday night!

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