metoo

Hi, George Soros here. Have you noticed how well my fake, heavily financed #metoo campaign is going? How it’s almost brought down Donald Trump! I love it.

I know Trump isn’t impeached quite yet, but I got to take a little victory lap here. Nobody realizes my genius. First I made up a whole story about Harvey Weinstein and fed it to a few of my stooges in The New Yorker and The New York Times. My assistant was like, you’re never going to get Trump voters to believe anything printed by those #FakeNews liberals! But I knew better. If an article slams a Democrat, conservatives eat it up like free French fries.

So yeah, I had to make it look like I was throwing a few of my liberal friends under the bus, like Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, James Franco, Russell Simmons, Casey Affleck, Aziz Ansari. There had to be consequences, or more accurately, what looked like consequences. Before I released the story on Al Franken, I made sure I had one of my liberal tools in Minnesota’s on-deck circle. Before I released the story on Kevin Spacey I checked with Ridley Scott to be sure he had enough time to film the actor he’d wanted in the first place. It had to look real, right? It had to look like: “we will replace you.” It had to look like “we will take your legacy like we took down these Confederate statues.”

But I’ve got all of these sinners on sinecures. They’ll all be back. I’ve paid the L.A.P.D. handsomely, have you noticed how nobody has yet been arrested? All me.

All to get to Trump. Well, him and Steven Wynn and Roy Moore. Did you know those guys are innocent?

I saw what no one else could see: if I paid off the right people here and there, including paying Alyssa Milano to steal Tarana Burke’s #metoo idea, I could make it look like victims are finally getting their say. Like the tables are turning!

They’re not turning. This is all just a ruse to get Trump out of office.

See, I knew about Stormy Daniels about a week after the election. She came to me wondering how much I would pay her to rip up her NDA so she could blab about Trump. And you know, I thought about it. But I also knew that he would just call her a liar, like the 18 women who accused him of sexual misconduct. And I knew people would believe him. I don’t just mean the 30% of Americans who would believe Trump if he said he built the Eiffel Tower. I mean more like 50% or 55% of Americans would believe him. When powerless women accuse powerful men of shit in this country, we (even women!) believe the powerful men. Look at my pal Woody Allen.

Or, I should say, we did. I thought to myself, how do I get people to believe victims? I was stumped about this for months. Then I was watching the Taylor Swift trial, and I realized that if Hollywood had some piece of shit who had victimized a bunch of white actresses, people would believe those women. I mean, they’ve been on red carpets wearing $10,000 dresses! So I went looking for a powerful Hollywood piece of shit and a few of the more pliable reporters on my payroll. Weinstein turned out to be a gift. And he loves me because I’m keeping the cops away from him while he’s in, ahem, “rehab.”

The whole idea was to make this victim-believing movement appear non-partisan. That’s why we needed to sacrifice a few Dems, like Franken and John Conyers. Let ’em go, that’s how we get a blue wave in November.

If this was a year ago, Stormy Daniels would have been Paula Jonesed by now. But thanks to this phony #metoo movement I started, the press has to believe her. Maybe she’s even telling the truth. Maybe all these broads are telling the truth! Not like I care. I just want that salacious drip-drip-drip of irresistible stories. If you thought Hillary’s emails distracted the press, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

I know, I know, it’s hard to believe that a man is responsible for this “female-led” sea change in feminism and morality and corporate culture and what a judge and jury would find acceptable. Or…is it? Come on, let’s face it, you know behind every successful woman is a good man. And behind every woman and every man is me, George Soros. It ain’t #metoo, it’s #me. You know this!

You know what? While I’m at it, I should probably reveal to you that I’m the one behind this newly successful gun control movement too. Moms Take Action? Mike Bloomberg? The Brady Campaign? They had years, and what the hell did they ever do with them?

Of course I didn’t actually send that shooter to the Parkland School. I mean, not that you can prove. What I did do was call those kids right afterward, you know who, Emma Gonzalez and Cameron Lasky and David Hogg (my crisis actor!). I promised them major bucks if they made some major speeches. And they knew it would work and I knew it would work because of this whole new victim-believing thing. You think Sandy Hook moms didn’t say the same shit these kids are now saying? Of course they did! But back in 2012 they didn’t have a #metoo, victim-believing movement at their back. So back then, the press moved on.

Not now. Not the press that I shitcanned Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose right out of. (Don’t worry Matt and Charlie. I got you!)

I got to say, being George Soros is pretty sweet right about now. I mean, yeah, I’m light a few bucks, but when I think of the globalist illuminati I control…

Pretty sweet.

Oh, and if Trump is reading this email? Donald, is that you? Quick message for you:

You’re fired!

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